When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.
– Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love
How many times have you said, “I don’t know” today? For me, at least twenty. I catch myself replying this so often; even way back in middle school I remember frustrating people because I could never decide on anything. I specifically remember a day when a girl in P.E. came up to me during kickball and asked me if she could borrow a ponytail holder. Well, naturally, I wanted to give it to her; I loved helping people out and sharing when I could (I wanted friends, too). I had loaned her hair ties before, and of course she ever gave them back. Honestly, I probably didn’t want them back… Anyway, I replied, “I dunno…” and she said, “Well, yes or no?!” I realized then that I had a serious decision-making problem. My poor boyfriend has to deal with this fault of mine all too often!
Tonight I got stuck thinking…what do I want for my life? I want everything; I want the world to be at my fingertips; I want to go to parties for book releases, dressed in a cocktail dress and emeralds; I want to volunteer at as many non-profit organizations around the country as possible; one day I’d love to write as a career, hopefully for a non profit that fights for the conservation of our many environments or even the animals in them; I want to dance in Spain, taste the delicious pork of Puerto Rico, and float on cherry blossoms in Japan; I want a cozy house that is secluded—complete with a horse, a lake to fish in, a quiet place to relax and write, a big kitchen, a dog, a family; I want to make people happy; I want to make myself happy. I don’t know if I’ll ever learn to Latin dance, but boy would I love to. I don’t know how to make any of these dreams or fantasies come true. Maybe Fate will lead me to them, or maybe it won’t. I don’t want to be stuck inside my mind, though. I want to go out, free as a sparrow. I want to travel to every state and collect photos and keychains from each. One day, I’d love to live on the East Coast. I can hear the boats clanging together at the dock already. But, I don’t know what I truly want, what I want to work toward.
We always have an “I don’t know” to questions like: what do you want to eat? or how do you want to cut your hair? or what should I wear to dinner? or what do you want in life? Maybe that’s the best part of life though, those “I don’t know’s.” Because we don’t know what life will throw at us next. So today I’ll stick with yoga, lavender-scented candles, and my kitty at my feet while I type.